Cutting up that credit card. Penny-pinching in this economy is hard enough without incurring more debt
(or children, according to some).
This past weekend, a friend from graduate school called to schedule a time to meet about an assignment. This woman is lovely. She has two kids of her own, and after an abusive marriage of 20+ years, she left her husband several months ago. Times are rough with her working 3 jobs and taking night classes. Right now, she is very stressed about her many responsibilities, and rightfully so. As we were talking, she expressed feeling overwhelmed about the prospect of buying a house. The conversation was about her the whole time (which I was fine with), until the following exchange:
Classmate: "I know you want kids, but in this economy....maybe you should be counting your blessings that you don't have any."
Me: Silence.
Classmate: "You know? ...in this economy...count your blessings..."
Me: Silence. "Well, just keep doing your best, and you will make it. School can be rough."
Let it be known: I would rather have kids and be poor than not have kids and be rich. Right now, I neither have kids, nor am I rich. Talk about your hands being tied! I want kids. For me, I need to have money to pursue that route, as infertility treatments are ex-pen-sive! However, I have no money. Really. Mr. M. & I are in school, and he has been unemployed for well over a year (he JUST got a new job).
No Money = No Treatments = No Children.
I told Mr. M that the conversation was a little crazy to me because it wasn't as if I wanted to buy a brand new car "in this economy." I want to have children--I want a family. This is my future, not a means of transportation.
When I told Mr. M this, he stated that "some people have it so backwards." He meant that some people think it is only good to have kids after finding massive financial security. Let me tell you--I will probably never have total financial security. As soon as I feel like I have a little money set aside for emergencies, an emergency happens--surgery, car repairs, travel to a funeral. There is never a "good financial time" to have a baby, because you will always find something else to spend your money on.
I get it, Classmate---you are stressed. You need to provide for your children. You need to be physically and emotionally present for them. It would be easier for you if you were a twenty-something college student with no children, but please do not mistake what would be easier for you with what would be easier for me. They are not the same, and that's ok.
People can really suck sometimes. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteEven with everything I have read on every blog I follow, and with everything I have heard, I am still absolutely astounded when I hear about conversations like these. I may not have known what I know now before TCC but I like to think I would never have been so self-centered and callous to have said something like that. It is just gut-wrenching.
ReplyDeleteI'm really impressed that you were able to just ignore her comment and move on. I would have (ill advisedly) dragged out my soap box and given her what-for...maaaaybe that's why I don't have a lot of friends... ;-)
ReplyDeleteUgh...I hate those comments. I think people say that crap so we (the childless) will feel sorry for them. And most people are way too wrapped up in themselves to think of others. You're right. There is no right time to have kids financially!
ReplyDeleteOooohhh ... that's brutal. I'm with Curly Sue - impressed that you could move on so gracefully after hearing that!
ReplyDeleteIt was a little awkward on the phone, but I figured that if she was going to make me feel uncomfortable, I could do the same thing back without needing to really say anything. I just didn't even want to go there.
ReplyDeleteThank you for coming to visit after I left my last comment (on your last post). I just wanted you to know that the blog you commented on (the one attached to my profile) is my personal blog for friends and family (mostly). You are completely welcome to comment and read there, but my infertility blog has more updated information and is maintained more regularly. That blog is separate and called MissConception.
ReplyDeleteHere is the link: http://missconception-ads.blogspot.com/
A note on your post: why do people think that having children is a luxury?! That's just how insurance companies see it. Children are our right and future. No one comments that a fertile person should maybe not have kids. Just because they can do it by hopping in the sack, doesn't mean they are any more deserving.
I'm impressed you held your tongue...I don't think I could have.
Alissa