Why I Choose To Be Anonymous

    

Don't worry, folks...these pics are super old.

To me, some of the best blogs are ones that give great insight into the author's life. I love seeing pictures of bloggers and hearing about their weekends. Putting names with faces makes things more realistic for me.

When I started this blog a few months ago, I wanted so much to be transparent. Finally, I was going to share with the world who I was and what I really go through on a daily basis living with infertility. I thought that if I could help just one person get through a few bad days, I would have succeeded.

The time came, and I decided that I would be somewhat anonymous on my blog. Of course, I use snippets of my own pictures and call myself Mrs. M., (which I suppose could be traced back to me if someone REALLY wanted to stalk me), but I don't show my face or use my full name. It is difficult to keep things descriptive, yet vague enough that should someone I know stumble across this blog, they won't realize it is me.

So why am I anonymous?

1. My family. I have not officially told my mother or Mr. M.'s parents that we are dealing with infertility. They may assume as much, but I have never told them. I have done this for specific purposes. I don't want unsolicited advice, nosey questions, or forced conversations on the topic. I also don't want this news spread around to the whole world just yet (which would probably happen if some of them knew). I also don't think some of the parties involved here would be supportive and/or understanding of this struggle. For example, Mr. M. is one of 7 children, and my mother got pregnant on her honeymoon and never had morning sickness for any of her 3 pregnancies. Infertility doesn't really cross my mother's mind.

2. My friends. Only a select few know that we are dealing with infertility, and even some of those people aren't supportive. I don't want it to take over my friendships.

3. My privacy. Does everyone I know in real life really need to know what it is I am doing with my husband in order to make a baby? Really?

4. The crazies. If everyone knew that I had an infertility blog and wrote about the crazy things people do and say, they wouldn't be so crazy. They would edit themselves. Then I wouldn't be able to give an authentic depiction of what really goes on when one is dealing with infertility.

I do have a family blog, which I suppose I could direct readers to. As long as my family blog isn't connected to this one, I might be ok. I don't know, though.

So, what do you think? Why are you anonymous (or not anonymous)? Am I just paranoid?


---Mrs. M.

Eleven

(source)

My half-sister just had her 11th baby on Friday. ELEVENTH. I'm not sure how that happens, but it did.

She didn't tell many people that she was pregnant again because she wanted to avoid unwanted comments. I understand this. Even when someone has 11 children, it is still an intimate decision between husband and wife. It isn't entirely the same, but I don't like it when people comment on my lack of children. However, it makes me wonder how my half-sister, with whom I share DNA, got such fertility genes, while I can't even manage to have one baby.

Anyway, I'm not too upset about it. She is much older than me (her oldest child is only 5 years younger than me) and lives in a different state, so we aren't super close.

One of her daughters (my half-niece) has been pregnant 4 times in the last 3 years. THIS bothers me. I think she is 20 years old.

How does this happen?


---Mrs. M.

Baby Preferences

I was riding in the car with my sister. Her baby was contently riding in the back seat. My sister knows that Mr M and I have issues with fertility. She asks, out of nowhere, "So, I know we have probably talked about this before, but what are some baby names that you like?" I think that for many people, this might be a normal question, but it was not a good one to ask me, for two reasons: (1) I hold my baby names close to my heart. I feel like these names are going to go to someone special, and I don't want anyone stealing them, and (2) talking about baby names makes me really sad.I told her that I didn't really want to talk about it because it makes me sad.

She then asked if I would rather have a boy or a girl. I answered that I didn't care in the slightest. I suppose that this, too, might be a normal question to ask someone, but not a person who wants a baby--pretty much any baby--so badly. I told her that I know people expect me to want a girl, but I want anything (...and did she miss the first response that talking about things like that make me sad?).

My sister really wanted a boy. When she was pregnant, she remarked to me that, if it was a girl, she "could learn to be ok with that." I know she didn't mean to be insensitive, but that is probably one of the worst things to say to an infertile couple: you could learn to deal with it if your child wasn't your preferred this or that. I know people have hopes and dreams for their children. I have them. But I also have hopes and dreams just to have a child, to begin with.

Oh, the things people ask, and the things people say.

Bathroom Sign

Tonight was excellent.

Mr. M.'s parents are visiting for the weekend, so we decided to treat them to a little of the local fare (technically, they treated us). We ate at a country-style smorgasbord of local food, and then we treated them (this time, for real) to a date night at a downtown pottery cafe. We each selected a pre-made ceramic work, painted it with glaze, and left it there for the week or so it takes to be covered with a clear coat and fired in the kiln.

In the restroom hung this charming little sign. I suppose to others it may simply seem cute. Of course, I picked up on the wording immediately. It could have read: "Please accompany children to the restroom." This would imply that, should a child be in your care, you should accompany him or her to the restroom. However, the wording "Please accompany your child in the restroom" implies that I even have a child...and also that he or she is in a restroom somewhere.

I wasn't offended by the sign. How could I be? Some employee/owner created the sign in the hopes that parents would take their advice and help their small children in the bathroom. He or she probably did not think at all about how it would read to someone struggling to have a baby.  It is sometimes amazing the subtle things that creep into everyday life for me, reminding me that I am different than the majority of the population. However, I know I'm not alone, and neither are you. 

The Beginning of Longing

Christmas Break, December 2008

Perhaps it wasn't just one moment. Perhaps it really was a longing that lived inside of me forever, and then when it didn't happen, I noticed it. Kind of like how you don't realize how much you need electricity until it completely goes out while blow-drying your hair in preparation for a job interview in 20 minutes. Only this is much more serious. And much, much more painful. 

Over Christmas break 2008, I recall writing New Year's resolutions with Mr. M.'s family. I wrote my list and put it into a tin with everyone else's. However, when I got home, I added one final, most important resolution, a resolution I wanted to put in writing, but didn't wan't our families to know about: Plan for a baby.

I suppose I was successful. I did plan for a baby. We planned for a baby, and years later, we are still planning. Now the planning, however, is more of a longing. A longing which may have been placed in writing December 31, 2008 but it was present much earlier---and how much earlier, I may never know. Nor do I need to.