Friday, March 23, 2012

Best Friend Say What?

Elle and Mr. Elle cutting their cake.

I have a best friend, and I'll call her Elle. Elle had a baby last spring--her first baby. Two weeks after the baby was born, I flew across the country to help her with him. We had a great time, and it was nice to see her and hold a tiny baby. That was almost a year ago.

In January, Mr. M. and I flew across the country to visit Elle and her family again. At one point, Elle and I were in the car together--alone, finally.

As we went through the Subway drive-thru (because apparently, Subway has a drive-thru out west), she brought up the subject of infertility (specifically mine and Mr. M.'s). As she handed her credit card through the window, she turned to me, and nonchalantly asked, "Are you even trying right now?"

At that moment, a flood of thoughts and emotions went through my mind. For Elle, "trying" to have a baby took one month. No waiting required. Not even one negative pregnancy test. Did she think that because I wasn't pregnant, I must not really be "trying?" I know that she isn't that naive, but the question caught me off guard.

All I could manage to dejectedly answer was, "Well, right now, I'm just trying to pay off my $2,000 blood work bill. When I'm done with that, I'll start saving for the next appointment."

And with that, the conversation was done. Not done because I put her in her place. Not done because she finally understood, but done because we got a distraction in the form of our ham-and-provolone-on-wheat subs and drove home.

Apparently, if I am not forking over thousands of dollars on a monthly basis, I'm not really "trying."

---Mrs. M.


  1. Ugh, that is so hard - that moment with a close friend when you realize that they just don't understand, however much they may want to, what it's like to struggle with fertility issues. It just seems to accentuate the difference between us and them, and that always feels bad.

  2. Ugh. Well, maybe it's best to just take the distraction and be done with it. I agree with Inconceivable! - not everybody understands. Especially those for whom "trying" doesn't even involve trying at all.

    I do admire your ability to enjoy holding a tiny baby. Maybe you can share your secret for that along with the one for the pizza crust?

  3. Ugh, sometimes its not even worth it to discuss IF with normals, they can be so thick. Good thing the sandwiches served as an easy distraction. I'm sure she didn't mean for it to sound the way it least I hope not.

  4. I don't even know what to say...can you EVER imagine saying something like that to someone? That's why blogging is so awesome because we all know what it feels like...thinking of you and hoping that sandwich was a FANTASTIC distraction :)

  5. I hate those kinds of comments! Always from people who get pregnant right away or on accident.

  6. Amen sister. You just described the mating habits of all my friends and family. Have sex, boom, pregnant. Not one penny spent on the endeavor. Me? Around 40K in the last 2 years. That's my salary. And I'll be paying it off for years to come, baby or not.

  7. Ugh, I'm sorry. Fertiles just don't get it at all. I've lost quite a few friends over what this journey has meant so far. It really is so tough when they don't know what it is like to even have to "try" more than one cycle.

  8. Oh man, it's hard enough when some random person says something insensitive, but even harder when a close friend sticks their foot in their mouth. I agree that she probably didn't mean it in that way but, unfortunately, it did come across as a slap in the face. I hope she picked up from your body language that it's probably best if she doesn't broach the subject again, especially if she doesn't know how to phrase the question.


You are fabulous!