Monday, May 7, 2012

One Lovely Blog

I started this blog in February as a way to chronicle my feelings and experiences with infertility. I received a renewed energy in dealing with this personal struggle, and I thought to myself, "If I can help just one person, somewhere, deal with the pain of this trial, then I will have succeeded." Little did I know that  that one person might just be me. 

Seriously Not Pregnant was posted on LFCA just weeks after I started writing, and with it came a host of new online friends. One of those has been Ann at The Infertile Optimist. The name of her blog says it all. I love that even though infertility is a hardship and warrants venting and tears, she is realistic and hopeful throughout her daily experiences. Optimism doesn't mean constant happiness, but it does mean that you choose to find hope in this mortal life. Ann--thank you for your kindness and for thinking of me  when you saw this award.

Here are the steps to follow after receiving this award:
  • Share who gave it to you with a link back to their blog. (See above)
  • Write down seven random facts about yourself.
  • Give this award to fifteen other bloggers.
  • Let them know they've won.
  • Pop the award on your blog.

Seven Random Facts about me:

1. I used to hate pancakes--so much so that I would leave my apartment when my college roommates had "Pancake Night" every Sunday evening. Once I married Mr. M., I finally had good pancakes (he is a great cook), and surprise! I like them now. 

2. After I got married, I lost nearly 30 pounds on Weight Watchers. Over the last two years, however, I have gained part of that back. Nothing like stress to contribute to weight gain. Ha! 

3. I have never had alcohol, tobacco, tea, coffee, or any drugs, and I don't drink caffeine. The most exciting thing I have taken was Percocet when I had surgery, and that made me have crazy dreams, so I stopped taking it. 

4. Speaking of surgery, I had an appendectomy when I was almost 23. I stopped taking birth control pills shortly thereafter. Randomly, I quite enjoyed having surgery, as it gave me a chance to sleep and have someone take care of me. 

5. If I could travel anywhere, it would be to Italy. Someday I'll make it outside of the U.S.

6. The first time I went to Disneyland, I was also 23. I handed my over my ticket, walked into the park, and before I even went through the main gate, I cried. Mr. M. got it on camera because it was so ridiculous. I was just so stinkin' happy. Five minutes later I saw Minnie Mouse and lost it all over again. 

7. I generally do not watch horse movies. They make me break out in hives. The horses, not the movies, that is.

I would like to give this award to the following bloggers:

---Mrs. M.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Update

Holy moly, folks. It has been insane the last few weeks. Work. Grad school. Illness. Mr. M. leaving. A dear friend dying. I have very much neglected this blog (and all of yours, again) because life just got way too busy for anything extra.

So, to bring you a little up-to-speed, let's talk about Mr. M. He left the state over a week ago to return west and finish his degree. He has one class left to graduate, and he is doing it! I am so proud of him. I also asked him to guest post for this blog, so I'm hoping he pulls through for me. I will be joining him in a few weeks, but I miss him terribly in the meantime.

I also had a dear friend pass away this weekend from cancer. I knew the end was nearing, but it still came as a heartbreak when it actually happened. I will be flying across the country to attend the funeral and help the family for awhile before I finally join Mr. M. Thankfully, I have understanding professors who are allowing me to take my finals early in order to do this.

So, I need to finish my assistantship, schoolwork, finals, and packing for my months-long excursion across the U.S. before next Tuesday. So, I might be neglectful for just a little longer.

In the meantime, know this: Mother's Day is also my 6-year anniversary, but I will be spending it with a family who just lost their own mother, while battling with my own grief of loosing a special lady in my life and not being able to be a mother myself (all while missing my husband).


What a doozie.

Thank goodness I'm on some anti-depressants right now, & thanks for hanging with me through my slacker-ishness.

---Mrs. M.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Infertiles & Their Pets

My childhood cat. Oh, how I miss him, even if I did have to use an inhaler to be around him
 (my step-father got him in the divorce.)

The last couple of weeks have been insane. This semester of grad school is winding down (only 1 month to go), and with it comes the slew of final papers, projects, and presentations. On top of that, I started a new medication last month, and I have been crazy tired and forgetful. Hence, the blog has taken a backseat the last few weeks (and therefore, reading your blog(s), too).

...which leads me to the subject of pets (random, I know). I know many people have pets, especially when they don't have any children. I personally don't have any pets right now, but part of me really wants something to cuddle when I get home from work. I have come to the conclusion, though, that I would not be a good pet owner right now. Limited time, resources, and space lead me to believe that I wouldn't be able to give a pet the attention and space it would deserve.

Anyway, when I was visiting my best friend several months ago, the topic of pets came up. One of our other close friends has a dog (and recently, after some infertility problems, became pregnant). Another woman in the conversation then stated:
"Why do people without kids think they need to get pets? It's stupid."

I was a little taken aback by the statement. I don't think she understands the need to have something to come home to. Not everyone is a pet person. In fact, I never really thought I would want pets, but I do. Really badly. I want to know that someone is depending on me. That someone loves me and cares for me. That I need them just as they need me. I don't have those precious little kids yet, but I totally understand why others have pets, infertile or not.

Darn those pet allergies!

---Mrs. M.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Why I Choose To Be Anonymous


Don't worry, folks...these pics are super old.

To me, some of the best blogs are ones that give great insight into the author's life. I love seeing pictures of bloggers and hearing about their weekends. Putting names with faces makes things more realistic for me.

When I started this blog a few months ago, I wanted so much to be transparent. Finally, I was going to share with the world who I was and what I really go through on a daily basis living with infertility. I thought that if I could help just one person get through a few bad days, I would have succeeded.

The time came, and I decided that I would be somewhat anonymous on my blog. Of course, I use snippets of my own pictures and call myself Mrs. M., (which I suppose could be traced back to me if someone REALLY wanted to stalk me), but I don't show my face or use my full name. It is difficult to keep things descriptive, yet vague enough that should someone I know stumble across this blog, they won't realize it is me.

So why am I anonymous?

1. My family. I have not officially told my mother or Mr. M.'s parents that we are dealing with infertility. They may assume as much, but I have never told them. I have done this for specific purposes. I don't want unsolicited advice, nosey questions, or forced conversations on the topic. I also don't want this news spread around to the whole world just yet (which would probably happen if some of them knew). I also don't think some of the parties involved here would be supportive and/or understanding of this struggle. For example, Mr. M. is one of 7 children, and my mother got pregnant on her honeymoon and never had morning sickness for any of her 3 pregnancies. Infertility doesn't really cross my mother's mind.

2. My friends. Only a select few know that we are dealing with infertility, and even some of those people aren't supportive. I don't want it to take over my friendships.

3. My privacy. Does everyone I know in real life really need to know what it is I am doing with my husband in order to make a baby? Really?

4. The crazies. If everyone knew that I had an infertility blog and wrote about the crazy things people do and say, they wouldn't be so crazy. They would edit themselves. Then I wouldn't be able to give an authentic depiction of what really goes on when one is dealing with infertility.

I do have a family blog, which I suppose I could direct readers to. As long as my family blog isn't connected to this one, I might be ok. I don't know, though.

So, what do you think? Why are you anonymous (or not anonymous)? Am I just paranoid?

---Mrs. M.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Starting A Family

Mr. M. and me at our wedding reception almost 6 years ago.

One particular Saturday in February, I was feeling especially distraught about the infertility Mr. M and I have experienced. I had a church meeting to attend that evening, and was able to pull myself together enough to meet Mr. M. there. The meeting wasn't bad, especially since it was a meeting just for adults (no children to further my anguish).

After the session was over, I remained in my seat and overheard a conversation between an elderly man and a young couple.

At one point, the older gentleman asked the couple: "Have you started a family yet?" The couple responded with a laugh and comment about their "two dogs." I think it was a little awkward for them, even though they were gracious about it.

I told Mr. M. about this and how I don't like when people ask me about "starting a family." He said it was a dumb question because we started our family 6 years ago when we got married. That was the start of our family. The two of us.

That, to me, was the perfect response.

---Mrs. M.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

If I Yawn One More Time...

I am currently in graduate school. After this semester, I have one independent study class to complete in order to finish my master's degree. I plan to do this final course over the summer and officially graduate in June or July. It would seem that I am in the final, home stretch, but I'm not. After the degree is finished, I still need to complete a certification, which requires: 3 additional courses, a portfolio, a practicum, and a national exam. This should take me another year.

This week I am feeling quite overwhelmed (and hence, quite absent from the blogging world). Two weeks ago, I decided to try the low-dose anti-depressant that Dr. C. prescribed for me. It was a battle. The prescription sat on my counter for a few weeks before I finally decided to give it a try. I must say that my depression has subsided a bit (though it might be a little too early to tell), but I am feeling extremely tired. I yawn like crazy. It is quite ridiculous. It is the kind of yawning that makes me wonder how on earth my jaw is still in place, because it totally takes over my body. I had to tell my teacher tonight about the side effect for fear that she would think I was disinterested in her class. It's a good thing I don't make noise when I yawn. That would be a nightmare.

I am also having difficulty with my ability to focus, especially when doing my homework. Even reading is hard for me, and I love to read and usually don't mind reading a textbook. I have forgotten little things, too, and it is making life annoying right now. I am having a hard time remembering what day it even is.

I have a screwy appetite, too. I didn't even eat until 4:45pm today. Anything that requires effort is unappealing to eat---that means pulling the lid off of a yogurt. Too much effort. However, after getting home around 8:30pm tonight, I decided I was ready to eat something more.

It was a hard day. I slept until 11:30am and was late for work. I missed a meeting. Class was long. I screwed up some assessment test homework. I yawned a million times. But at least I can pick myself up off the ground.

And right now, Mr. M. just got home with a chocolate milkshake for me. He is the best.

---Mrs. M.

Monday, March 26, 2012


My half-sister just had her 11th baby on Friday. ELEVENTH. I'm not sure how that happens, but it did.

She didn't tell many people that she was pregnant again because she wanted to avoid unwanted comments. I understand this. Even when someone has 11 children, it is still an intimate decision between husband and wife. It isn't entirely the same, but I don't like it when people comment on my lack of children. However, it makes me wonder how my half-sister, with whom I share DNA, got such fertility genes, while I can't even manage to have one baby.

Anyway, I'm not too upset about it. She is much older than me (her oldest child is only 5 years younger than me) and lives in a different state, so we aren't super close.

One of her daughters (my half-niece) has been pregnant 4 times in the last 3 years. THIS bothers me. I think she is 20 years old.

How does this happen?

---Mrs. M.