The Beginning of Longing

Christmas Break, December 2008

Perhaps it wasn't just one moment. Perhaps it really was a longing that lived inside of me forever, and then when it didn't happen, I noticed it. Kind of like how you don't realize how much you need electricity until it completely goes out while blow-drying your hair in preparation for a job interview in 20 minutes. Only this is much more serious. And much, much more painful. 

Over Christmas break 2008, I recall writing New Year's resolutions with Mr. M.'s family. I wrote my list and put it into a tin with everyone else's. However, when I got home, I added one final, most important resolution, a resolution I wanted to put in writing, but didn't wan't our families to know about: Plan for a baby.

I suppose I was successful. I did plan for a baby. We planned for a baby, and years later, we are still planning. Now the planning, however, is more of a longing. A longing which may have been placed in writing December 31, 2008 but it was present much earlier---and how much earlier, I may never know. Nor do I need to.